I was always surrounded by friends, but their faith is not like what I have. Don't get me wrong. I love my friends for who they are..but it would be better if I can bring them further to God right?

The problem in this kind of circle is that I sometimes forget the way of life that I should walk into. I was often swayed. I get lost sometimes. And I can't blame anyone for it...because I am just human. That is why, in the midst of this chaotic and deceiving world, you need to have by your side Christian friends who will keep you reminded of how you should live your life. They are the ones to guide you. And at the same time, give you the advice that you need most in your life. That is, Godly advice.

Sometimes, this causes me guilt. Here I am, walking with God, enjoying His presence, while I fail to share this wonderful relationship that I have. I do hope that I can overcome this fear of rejection, that in smallest ways that I can, I do hope to let others realized how great it is to have Someone far greater than a human being to be part of your everyday life.

PS. This entry is dedicated to my ate and kuya here in Japan who always keeps me reminded, in times of confusion.

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I am also sharing this wonderful song entitled Always by Hillsong United
This is like a love song for God for me.

Did You rise the sun for me?
Or paint a million stars that I might
Know Your majesty?
Is Your voice upon the wind?
Is everything I've known marked
With my maker's fingerprints?

Breathe on me
Let me see Your face
Ever I will seek You

Chorus:
'Cause all You are, is all I want, always
Draw me close in Your arms
Oh God, I wanna be with You

Can I feel You in the rain?
Abandon all I am to have You
Capture me again
Let the earth resound with praise
Can You hear as all creation lives
To glorify one name?

Time is continuous. Time is something that you cannot stop from changing. You cannot make it go back.. nor make it go forth. Futures can be guessed, but only time can tell what will actually happen in that point of time. All you can do is just mind your PRESENT business and wait for that FUTURE to come.

I had a long break from church. And I am really glad that I finally came back. For this week, our pastor tackled about Perfect Timing with God. I loved that topic. Made me realized a lot of things from the past that I tried to make happen but ended up in frustration. If I knew about this earlier, I would have understood things then clearly.

People are naturally impatient. We try to make things happen at their infancy. What we want, we want to have them right here and right now. We just can't wait. When we were little, we wished we were adults just to get out from school. Some try to hurry up sex in their relationship, but ending up pregnant and ruining their plan for the future all together. Some worry about not having partners before they turned 30, worried that in the future they will be alone, in a rocking chair, trying to live the rest of their lives on Earth. Some try to steal to gain what they had always wanted. Some, they just hate God for not giving them the timing that they want.

When we pray for what we want, there are always three answers that we can expect from God. I am pretty sure, for those already Christians out there, that you know about three answers. They are "Yes","No", and "Wait". Among these three, the only one that requires time and patience is when God tells you to "wait".

Waiting is never an easy task. It requires not only patience but faith in the thing that you expect will happen. However, you cannot force it to happen because it isn't time. Imagine eating a raw mango fruit, unripe, and overly sour. Just because you can't hold it anymore, you try to force things our of their normal cycle. And what happens if you force things, you get frustrated. You blame things for the way there were. You get angry at God for not giving you what you want. You try to question where you did things wrong when from the start, it was you who made things happen that way.. but you are just either too proud to see it or too lazy to notice it.

Oftentimes, I get myself caught in such situation. There are things that I want to be hurried up, unfathomable riches, lifetime partner, great career. But no matter how hard I pray for them, they just don't happen. I can get cranky when complaining about those things in my life.. why things aren't happening YET but I never try to ask God why things are the way they were.

They say that the best plan is the plan that is in line with what God has planned in your life. Having a poorly planned plan, the future is just too vulnerable to frustrations and disappointments. We should not let our impatient side do its toll and moreover, let's be cautious of our own common mistakes. And in the end, the fruit is sweet, delicious, and worth the wait.

Let me leave you a phrase from His Book. This was taken from Philippians 4:6 and it says "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (NIV)

Be patient, take a number, and WAIT.

A lot of my friends told me that one reason why you need to have an inspiration is to give you something to look forward to when you wake up. Something that will brighten up the rest of the day. Someone that will keep you away from the bad mood. As I listen to them, deep inside, I was wondering, do you really need such inspiration in your life? Will that really keep you going for the rest of the day?

I never had thought of someone whenever I wake up. Waking up for me is just an opening for the new day. It's a routine. I barely think of something during that moment. If I think of something, it usually does something to do with time. And never of those "apple of the eye" thingy some people is used to believe it.

But, despite that, I still believe that inspiration does work wonders in your life. It keeps you going.. it keeps you high in the sky. But for me, the right inspiration comes with the right person.. or rather the right God. You may think this is absurd.. as how can one have a god for an inspiration when you can't even see or hear him?

If I am to choose on my inspiration, I want it to be God. Why Him? Because in all aspect on my life, He is within me. Keeps me safe in all troubles. Gives me wisdom in all trials. Without Him as my inspiration, my decisions will be in chaos. I'll constantly will be in battle. I will have no peace. I will feel I am alone.. and, worse, the whole world will lose it entire meaning for me.

When someone ask you who or what is your inspiration, don't feel weird to tell them that God can be your inspiration. Well, it is not really easy to say that, huh? Well, at least for me. I am still having a battle within me. Whenever I feel like sharing someone about my life with God, I will erase that from the conversation. God might be crying whenever that happens. But I am still hoping I will get a chance to break free from that barrier.

i felt like going through again the same thing. and boy, i don't know if it is a defensive mechanism of my body, but i am again trying to regress that feeling. and my mind is again working its way to the future, making me see what is there to expect. and while thinking about it, i get scared.. and with that, the more i try to pretend there is nothing out there.

in a way, i was expecting this to happen. and back then, i was hoping that will not happen. but who am i to dictate. it was nature's way of doing stuff.. but i want to remain calm and as normal as i can be. let everything run the same way as before. and pretend nothing is happening.. in that way, i can act normally. and i can show my real me. and i can see clearly from the other side as well. and not let my stupidity do its course.

i know i am only human.. but i also have guilt. i have been praying to God to take over this. and give light to everything I am seeing. I dont want to happen what has happened to me few years back. I have been into that situation twice already. If that happens, I will be a complete fool.

Lord God, you know my weaknesses. Please do help me again in this. Unlike before I guess I am a bit matured now. But still I am human. Please give me warning.. give me peace and Your light. So that in the end, there is nothing that I can regret and only You I will see.

I could get endless words to put with the sentence, because there is really no exact words to describe who He really is. He is great. No, great is an understatement, He is more than great. If there is a word invented greater than the word "great", He is more than that. A hundred times to infinity.

Is there a point in your Christian life, wherein you just felt like rejoicing, praising Him. It just happens, you don't know why. You just felt that strong emotion inside you. You feel like jumping, dancing, doing crazy things to celebrate Him, because He is true. He is "He". And you feel that all you are doing are not enough.. He is such a great God. I won't think that any god out there will outshine Him because He is the only true god!

I just felt like that today, just before I began writing this entry. I just felt that sudden longing for Him, I suddenly felt like praising Him. I am crying, but it is not of sadness.. it was because of my overwhelming love for Him. He, who always forgives me despite my unending sinning. He who is the only one who understands. I cannot fathom this love. It was greatest. I believe that I can never get this kind of love from other human being. This is unique, unselfish, unseen, and eternally pure.

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Oh God, I don't know the reason for this sudden gush of emotion in me. There was a part of me who is scared, scared that this happiness is an indication of a sudden sadness to come. But, I will try not to fear. Please help me find You, help me feel You more. You are the greatest one for me. And nothing else will complete me. I don't usually utter this words, because I never believed in these three words ever in my life. But I just want to say I love You, Lord. More that anything. I hope my heart will not forget. And continue being this way. I may continue sin, and continue to get away from You. But I hope You help me find my way back into Your arms. Because I am just one of those sheep who easily get lost. I am not perfect, and I may be stupid most of the times. But with You, this doesn't matter. Because You are with me.

Yesterday, I was in Saitama visiting my goddaughter since it is her birthday this week. Went to the church that they were going.. and I was just in time for a special baptismal event for one of the daughters of their members. It was my first time to witness a Japanese baptismal ceremony and although it was quite formal for my taste.. the basic elements is still there. Indeed, God is universal. He is standard in all things.

Anyway, there was one part in that ceremony that made everybody cry.. including me. The story, read on below

Our new Christian friend is a 13 year old Half-Japanese, Half-Filipino girl. Before the actual ceremony, she gave a little speech. She decided to be a Christian because she saw how God has moved in their lives, particularly her family. Her mother is a terminal cancer patient. Back before when they first heard about the news on her mother's condition, she was really shocked. She never thought that someone close to her might die. Her father, who is Japanese and who never believed in God before, has began praying for their sick mother's recovery with them. It was God's way of uniting their family. And she believed it was God's special miracle in her life. Although her mother might not live long enough to see them off to church, she is proud enough to leave then now in God's hands. It was a wonderful testimony.. although short. You will feel how God really moved in that girl.

In our lives, most of us think that God is just there.. and since He is just there, we neglect to give Him our time, our attention. We think we live our own lives. Don't we realize that every morning that we wake up is already a great miracle? There are many things that can happen during that unguarded moment.. and yet, with God's grace, we still can go to work the next day, see our friends, go with our own ways.. but never stop and think that all were because of God.

What are you actually waiting for? Are you waiting for sickness to wake you up to the reality that life here is just borrowed?! Remember that we are here for a purpose, and through that purpose we shall live by.

After that speech, I was struck by guilt. I am just living my life.. thinking about the future.. but never had put those decisions in line with what God really wants me to do. I am actually confused with a lot of things right now. And I think I know why.

Why is it that we always have no peace with ourselves if we put our own self intention in all things? Why if we put it on God's shoulder, peace is always with us? I don't know for the others, but no matter how I deny it, no matter how I try to take the steering wheel from the Lord, I would often find myself in this kind of cyclic situation.

I heard a saying somewhere (I'm not sure if it is from the Bible) that says, "You are the captain of my ship, and the master of my soul". Sometimes, we just need to let ourselves keep reminded. We are living in a very deceptive world.. and it is very hard to stay focus.

I forgot in which verse it is in the Bible that says that when you give to the Lord, He will give it back to you more than what you gave. I used to give before, but I guess I was too preoccupied or maybe I just don't care enough of the blessings that I was receiving then.

Last Sunday, I decided to give some to the Lord. Yeah, just some. I thought I had to give because everybody is doing it.. it'll look bad if I didn't do the same thing. Bad right? Well, basic human instinct. We always think what others think of what we do. We make ourselves look good in front of others. While we are enjoying the fruits of our own labor looking good and acceptable to others, God is shedding His own tear at our own little lies.

But yeah I did give.. half-heartedly. But I didn't realize that in that small amount, God will be blessing me with something in return. Today, I received an email from our president, saying that he's refunding some money back to me since there was a mistake in the calculation of my previous month salary. I was happy.. but because it was only a little amount.. I was not happy enough.. not until I realized that that amount is the same amount that I gave to the Lord last Sunday.

Coincidence? Yeah, you can say that. For me, it's a blessing!!

THank you Lord, for showing me so much blessing although I would always though about it half-heartedly. I am beginning to develop the fact in me that You can do more greater things. Although I cannot say fullheartedly yet that I am on You again now.. I guess it's a great way to start with You again. Thank you!!

I don't usually observe New Year's resolutions but for some reason, I began to get serious about them. Actually, I do write new year's resolutions even before, but it never get to last for a month. For this year though, I find myself surprised, because even now on the second month of the year, I still have the will to observe it. There is something inside me that forces me to remember it, to always remind it to me every second of the day.

And because of that new year's resolution, I am reviving this blog. I decided to make this blog a part of my walk with God permanently. So all entries that will be in this blog will only be about my Christian life. I do hope with God's help, I will continue. And see changes in me at the end of this year.

For the first time in this year, I decided to go to church last week. I have been contemplating about going to church. My mom has been nagging me to go to church.. but it was until last week that I really decided to finally go. I believe my cousin was one of the influences of it.. as through her, I began to have a second look at myself. My ever unclear walk with God. I would always go at first, but give up in the middle. I decided to give myself another chance. But I plan to make this come back a little different. Instead of forcing myself to do what I think people will like, I will make things my own pace. I realized that by forcing myself to do something my body isn't cooperating to, things fall at the middle, and thereby ending everything all together.

The church I am currently going to is headed by an American pastor. Honestly, I felt at ease at the church the first time I attended. Unlike in other churches that I go to (included the one that I went to back home), I didn't feel the pressure. I felt that I have a complete hold of my life there. I didn't feel that I have to show something. I didn't feel that I have to be someone. I didn't feel that I have to be there to belong. I felt that my presence there was planned for me to be with God. No strings attached. Nothing to prove. Just me and Him in that place. Others don't count anymore.

The message last week and this week were really a blessing to me. I had to doubt if I really know things I believed I knew from the beginning. Who is God? How powerful He really is? All of those things were answered for these past 2 weeks. I never know what I think of God.. nor I really understood His power. I knew those His stories of miracle from Sunday school. But do I really know it?

I don't know how I would last in this walk... or if I would even last doing this in this year. I felt that I just have to continue doing it. I should not think about what will happen to the future. And I should continue believing that all these things will not be possible if I only use my own power.

I don't know if I was being called into a ministry again. Some of the members knew today that I used to play the piano and the drums from back home. I don't want to jump at once. I know I like to do it but I don't feel I have the right heart to do it.

What ever happens..what ever is in store.. knowing myself, things may change in the middle.. but I would try to continue.. and continuously remind myself again

after a very good blessing came to me yesterday, a very bad omen had come after that. because of that, i never want to be good today. i kept thinking of doing bad things.. which in return made me a little sick.. with my gums still aching from the past surgery..

i am angry
i am confused
i am lost
and i don't know what to do..

i want to hurt myself.. to forget the pain.. but i know i cannot do that.. is that the reason? i don't know.. i am wishing of trying to smoke.. to ease out the stress.. the confusion.. the anger.. but i know i can't do it..

i am confused.. i know probably what to do.but i don't want to do it.. why? i am like that.. i imagine years to come.. things are getting worse.. while i stand behind..watching until everything crumble to pieces..

i am confused. i don't feel God anymore.. i feel bad.. and i want to be bad..

God.. give me light

It's been a while since I posted here. I usually come here when I want to speak of serious things. And this time, that is what I have in mind.

We just had a serious natural disaster which left us with no electricity for 4 days. It was Thursday when it came here. I can still remember that wooshy sound of the wind gushing through the trees, roofs, and light poles. I could see fragments of leaves flying around our little garden. There was no light. I needed to study for my Nihonggo so I stayed beside the window but ended up watching the beautiful quiet scenary in my front, or so because I am inside the house.

I began to feel a little out of the normal world during these past few days of no electricity. I felt detached from the society. The only thing mattered those days were me, my book light, and my book. With no cellphone signal, there wasn't anything that I could do but to lie in my bed and read Haruki Murakami's book. There were certain perversions in the book.. but still the writer is a very good storyteller. I couldn't let the book down. At first I was in this page, the next thing I know I was already 50 pages away. It was that great.. a great relief from the boredom the situation had given me.

I went for a sleep.. and dreamt this weird dream. There, in my dream, was a party of no reason. Held in my workplace. Then suddenly someone announced that a person is going to resign. All of us were shocked. It was that person's last day. I couldn't move, as I remembered from my dream. That person was walking towards the stage to say a few words of thanks and goodbyes. Next thing I knew, I was already clinging to that person. I hugged that person 3 times, I could recall. I felt really sad. That person felt shocked. I could hear people uttering sad words, pitiful words which were all directed to me. I felt like crying.. but no tears come out. I wanted to tell that person how harsh it was to make me felt that way. Without even a warning...

The next day, that person is nowhere to be found in the cubicle that person used to be in. I felt empty...but tried to forget it by going around the workarea. Visiting other friend's cubicles. And then, I remembered this funny things, I was teaching a friend how to play live-action counterstrike.. and then I woke up.

After waking up, the first thing that came to my mind is to talk to that person and tell that person never to do such thing. I don't like those kinds of surprises. I don't want to be put in a situation that will leave me in complete confusion. And then, it hit me.. this isn't the only thing that I should be watching out in the future. I felt that the rest of the year will bring forth a lot of surprises, changes, and heartaches. I remembered planning to go to other countries to work. But it just seemed to be exciting at first.. but I had miscalculated the situation. It isn't that easy to just leave this place. I need to give up a lot of things.. as in a lot.. I need to adjust in a lot of things. I am a person who is very attached to the norm.. who is too used to living a monotonous life. And I don't know how I could handle myself in those situation when that time comes when I will be living my plans.

Now, I told myself... now what.. but another told me.. when will be the right time for you if you feel that this isn't the right time? And yes, I was struck. What could be the next right timing.. I couldn't know. If I let everything pass, I could miss thousands of possibilities. Possibilities that could not pass again anymore.

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I was a bit mad again for hearing my dad's pleas of destruction. I just hate it when he does that.. shouting at the house and ordering people while muttering angry words toward one person.. Isn't just enough that you just shout?!?

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I missed my Christian life. My Sanyo MP3 player, the very first mp3 player that I owned, went back to life. I can see the changes in me.. because all of the tracks contain Christian song. That is how I had missed my Christian life. I wish I could go on track again.

There are 2 ways you can read the word 'Blessed', one is 'blessd' second is 'bless-ed'. However you pronounce it doesn't matter. The best thing is that you feel that way.

I feel that I'm blessed today. There were revelations from God that I got which made me really happy. I had my quiet time in my alma matter's library. The view and ambiance were just perfect. I was overlooking at the violet-orange sky while writing the first line of my journal entry. It was good to have those kind of times, where you are with the nature alone, taking a pen and a Bible with you and just talking to Him.

I came across with this verse, Mark 11:24. This verse helped me pray for that one who's causing me my confusion. I asked God how I can pray for that person. He gave me a very nice prayer item which really made me real happy. I have to do is to believe that it'll be granted. Believing is sometimes very hard for us to do especially when we don't see the possibility in what we are longing for. But, I threw away that pessimism for I believe that it is not I alone who can control my feelings, but only with God. I'll continue to believe that my prayers will be answered.

Happiness is defined by blessing. So, what does make me happy? here are just some of from my list:
1. To know that I have helped a person smile at the time of depression
2. To know that I have followed God's right way
3. To know that I made a person feel important
4. To know that despite anything, I still stand
5. To know that a person close to me is knowing God in some ways

These happiness all boils down to one, that is to be a blessing for everybody.

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Regarding the stuff from the previous post, I have to admit there is still that 'doubt' in me. Several reasons are juggling in my mind. And none of which I want to believe. I don't want to be lead by my assumptions. I just want to pretend things are not the way I see it.

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I realized that I'm turning this area as my tear pool. There are a lot of sensitive stuff that I'm writing in here. The reason? The only answer that I can give is it's all for God.

'What would feel if you feel that someone is irritated/angry with you for a reason which you think you know but aren't sure if that's the real reason?'

This is how I am feeling right now. I know for a fact that one of the cause of my insecurity is my very own self, that prideful personality, which I am trying to change. I feel so sad when I make other feel uncomfortable. I can't mingle with that person without having in my mind the idea that I am being hated. I just feel lost. I don't know where I should place myself in the situation, to be angry or just pretend I don't notice it. Or how I should deal with that person. I try to cover things up by being extra nice with the person to make myself less hated. But on the other hand, that is in turn making myself a slave of my own insecurity, again...trying to change to be accepted by other people, which is another sad part. I asked for God's opinion regarding this and I was told the following:to love my neighbor just as myself. to flush this evil thought by doing more good things not only to that person who make me feel this way, but also to other people who I am mingling with everyday.

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I've changed the layout of my livejournal and from the few available free LJ layout there, this is the only one the suited my taste.  I'm a 70's person, so it fits. hehe..

I have been into a lot of ranting in this blog. And, I'm beginning to sense that selfishness has been leaking out of me without notice, so I decided to put a halt for that behavior. At that moment, I decided to change the way things will be written here. But....demo.. then again, I don't think it's going to be healthy forcing myself to act as normal as I want other people to see me.. so I'm going to continue letting myself do the ranting, selfishly.. bwahahahaha..

Christmas season is over, the new year has come as well. There had been a lot of things that I have left behind in the year 2005, my bitterness, pride, and a lot of that 'old life'. But you know what they say, you can't change a person overnight. I still have some of those nasty instances wherein the 'new me' is still bugged by the 'old me'. For instance, being bitter with no reason, getting jealous of people, putting myself down, pitying myself for no reason. That me.. hay.. a lot of times I hear myself saying when will this grow up?!! Because of that, I had brought out the idea to build up myself from scratch from now on. This will one heck of a change. ('scuseme for the word.. haha)

Honestly, I really don't understand myself well. Like, what was I 2 years ago, how did I go along with people those times.. even more way back 4, 5, or 6 years ago. It's as if I am not part of that real self. I always have conflicts inside of me. For I always think differently from the way I work on things. Pretty dull. In effect, I don't think anybody in this world can understand how complicated I really am..only God knows of course. And how I wish I would be able to break that code of my personality. Because for me, decoding it will enable me to compose the life that I want to have. To understand it more will grant me peace. But this tedious process requires me serious effort. I will need to spend more time with myself, resting, mingling with my old selfless brain, and seeing how it thinks, how it communicates with itself, and how it reasons things out.

Nobody knows me. That's what I believe. For most people, I am a person easy to play along with, a person who feels happy over little things, a person who is always good at making mistakes, a person who knows nothing except anything within her circle, an easy person. I don't want to continue listing down items, because I feel that I'm pitying myself again. Although I believe there is nothing really wrong with these things, I am more than that, or so I thought... But because of this mistakenly projected image that I have and being drawn to it, I am loosing one-by-one the opportunity to show people the real me that I want them to see. I feel like I'm playing other people's rules. In the process, I am pleasing other people, because fear that the past may haunt again.

I may not be able to relay this message to the people I want to hear/read/understand. I am better off not telling them anyways.. hehe.. But I am glad that I have this journal pouring out these things inside me. And no matter how hard I push myself on these ideas, I am glad that I have God to back me up. My mind's set-up properly, constantly in guidance with the Holy Spirit. I may still be my old self, but I am the better than that old self. For now, in whatever reason that I act upon things, I always think of His Kingdom, and the prize that awaits me there. All here are temporal. And that I don't have to make an effort to please other people. That's just about it..

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Ramblings from the third kind.. dated January 6 2006

When troubled, we often say to ourselves that God may have a reason why everything is turning out the way it is. We believe that God causes everything because He has a plan for us. But, have you look deeply into this belief? Are you sure that it's only because God's plans that we are facing these troubles in our lives?

I want to quote these beautiful words from Walking With Christ in the Details of life by Patrick Morley. It'll give you another viewpoint regarding God's true reason for our problems.

'God doesn't bring affliction upon us willingly. He finds no pleasure in our pain. God is not the root cause of our problems; He is the solution.

..The reason for many of our afflictions is our disobedience to the will of God.'

When you think God is causing all these troubles to happen to you, have you consider what you did in order to be in that situation? Have you thought of things you did that may have led you to that life? It is often said, if there is a cause, there must be an effect. Things cannot just happen. They are often a product of acts done, good or bad.

Knowing these words, I had a different perspective of the verse in Romans 8:28. God doesn't always allow things to happen. They happen because we let them happen. Therefore, we must always make sure that in all things that we do, we are walking according to God's purpose.

Life is like a long dark tunnel. You know you are walking a tunnel, but you know not of the end of it. You may say that life is also like the big slide of splash island. You go on top, but you know not of what's in store at the bottom. You're a daredevil, eager to take the plunge and know what lies ahead. If you compare it, life is just like that. We go, plunge, and anything goes. Many doesn't know what lies ahead of them. For them, it can be reading horoscopes, reading tarrot cards, and dialing up madam auring numbers :P But, I want to be more realistic. Though I don't know what the future lies ahead of me, I want it to think of it to be something like going in a big slide where my only concern is how I should get along in each round going down. And when I'm there at the buttom, I'll take a plunge.

I don't really understand what I'm feeling right now. I don't feel depressed but hearing the words from a person near your heart, in the back of your mind, there is something that doubts. What does the future in store for us? Can I cope with that? Can I take the plunge? Will I still survive? Will I be able to be strong in that turmoil? Will I cry? If so, how many buckets of tears will I fill up?

I forgot the verse but I want to quote something from the Bible. It says not to worry what's for tomorrow, as God will provide you something for the future when you need it. Many worry about what lies ahead but this verse tells us to shift our mind from the future to the present. But I believe that we should all ask God to take care of it and believe it because if God has provided you something in the present, why can't He do the same for the future?

I just hope that when that plunge comes, God will give me something to cover my eyes. Although I know it'll be hard, I will stand firm and call unto Him.

It isn't an easy life when you're with Christ. It's evident even in the Bible. Apostles were being persecuted because of preaching about Christ. It's already a two millenium battle.

I was born a Christian. My mom is a devoted Christian and would bring us every Sunday to worship. I'm a Sunday schooler from kinder to highschool. At age 15, I became an assistant VBS (Vacation Bible School) teacher for 2 years and eventually, during my third year of serving God's kids, I became the senior VBS teacher handling 4-6 kids. Also my music talent brought me to the music ministry where I began my 'career' at the age of 14. You may say that I have a perfect Christian life being like this. But, all of them, for me, is the a product of my hypocrisy. It's like I know the teaching, but it comes in and out of my mind. I'm not living a Christian life.

I became 'closer' to God during the time of my 'presumed' heartbreak. I told myself, if I can just be with God, maybe the pain will be lessened. It was a wrong motive. I'm using God to ease my pain because I know He can do it. I write Him poems, but reading between those lines, they are in fact dedicated to the guy I'm longing for. I even challenged God that if I will be with Him, let me give the guy that I want in return. I eventually lost the guy. And with that, I lost my God as well. Then, the old life lives on. I do nasty stuff. I even tried to be a drunkard. It was all bad.

It all started last year, through a preacher who came as a guest in our church anniversary. I was in the music ministry that time, but doing all of those 'church' stuff is just a product of my responsibility. That preacher prayed for me. She prayed that I'll have my breakthrough on the next year. That I will burn more for Him. I got shivers down my spine listening to that prayer. I thought of it as corny and too 'common' already as I always hear it from people who pray. Unknowingly, God has other plans for me.

My family and I went to the US this March 2005. Came April, my parents got into a huge fight, which almost led them to be in separate ways. I am living in a house with my mom and dad, but I only see one of them one at a time. It was hard. I felt obligated to do something because I'm the eldest.

Moreover, another thing has happened. A struggle sprung out of nowhere during the May of this year. The feeling of the past 2 years came back to me, but this time it with another person. I can see my old self coming back to me, the old me that infatuates herself. And, being someone who was hurt before in the past, it was something that I want to get away from. My mind wants to get rid of the feelings, but 12inch down my head, the thing doesn't cooperate. It's a struggle that I couldn't share with anyone. It was too personal. I know nobody can help me with this and I felt so helpless. Having both difficult times come to me for almost the same time. I thought I needed someone to watch over me.

For this, I told myself. I give up. All the days in the past I let myself control my ways. It's stressful. It's pulling me down. That's the time I seek God. And I felt that with Him, through His comfort and promises, I would be able to go on with my life with a smile. A lot of people may understand why a girl like me should be sad in this situation. But, I decided that instead of highlighting the painful situations of my life, I decided to celebrate the goodness of God in my life. I put Him in all the things that I do. I always seek for His Kingdom (Matt 6:33). I rededicated my life for Him and He granted me peace (Phil 4:7). Reading His promises in Gal 5:22, I realized that I have indeed receive such wonderful gifts. And I understand that God loves me more than my parents does. He sent my bestfriend Jesus Christ in order to die for my sins. Nobody can ever do the same thing as He did. I shifted my feelings from the pain I'm into to life being with Christ.

Now, with life with Christ, I find myself feeling light and joyous everyday, thought I have to admit there are occasional dark moments in my life. But then again, now I can just forget it the next day. I feel the real love, the love of my family. I do things I am not capable of doing before. I always consider my family in all things that I do. In fact, I have lessen my bad attitude. I have patience and self-control toward things that irritates me before. I havekindness toward people. There are times that I just want to hug people because of God's love in me. It was such a wonderful feeling.

And my feeling toward the person, I believe that this situation is becoming a good way for me to mature. Now, after six months of being chained in the feeling, I see wonderful changes in me. I am able to handle situations well. And I can't wait for God to work on my life for the next year.

Living joyfully, for me, means putting Jesus Christ on the top of your life. Despite problems, you know that all things are temporal and God doesn't feel happy seeing you get sad over things. He has a great wonderful promise for us in heaven. He's a great God who loves me more that I can ever fathom.

I was talking to a friend last night. That same friend who put me into such misery 2 years ago. I'm not blaming her for anything though.. I'm the biggest part of that misery. hehe.. and so we talked regarding stuff. She really wanted to get in touch with me again, to bring the old relationship. but somewhere in me is not cooperating to that idea. I'm still distant. I just want to get away still. I am still running away.

And so, like I said, we talked. She mentioned about 'him'. She said he got married to the same girl last week. I was like..ok I'm over with it so what the heck. I asked about some stuff. But after talking and waking up this morning, the idea that I will probably meet the person made shivers down my spine. I'm like..what should I tell him?? I'm so ashamed of myself from all the wrongdoings I did 2 years ago. At first I thought I can face it with no more malice..but I was just not ready. I don't know how to handle it. I'm dead on track.. haha..

Now it made me think.. do I still have feelings for that guy? I know that now I have someone that I like..but for some reason, the feeling clings on. haha.. hay.. being a girl is such a hard life.

'The peace of God which transends all understanding will guard your heard and mind in Christ Jesus' Phil. 4:7.. God..bahala ka na... hay..

Life.. as I know if right now.. is full of mysteries. I can't explain why suddenly all are being thrown in my face. The things I never thought existed. Things I never thought was a problem. It's as if God is waiting the innocent side of me to be more mature now. It's like He's telling me this is the real world that I should face with.

I know, any moments from now, that house that I'm living in will be torn into pieces until I do something about it. At first, I was enthusiastic about the realization that I must do something to save that piece of building. But, as days goes by, situations come in the way, I feel that it is not something that is very easy to mend. I am so saddened by the idea. I told myself to be straight and face it with courage. But, for some reason, I just want to just be sad. I just want to feel sadness even though I know this shouldn't be how I'm feeling. It was taught from BS that in spite of problems, we should face it with a smile. But for some reason, I would like to skip to that part and just be sad. Feel it with the whole of me. Be serious. And skip that happy-go-lucky girl that I am. I just want to be sad. That's all.

I realize, I'm not that 'bad' as I thought I am. I did a lot of pretty disgusting things on my own but comparing it with these people I know, it's nothing to be compared with. I thought my being secretive of these disgusting things I'm doing is so bad that exposing it to the world will create a disgrace to me. But I thought, it was just courage to make you decide to really show the real you in this world. I don't know when my time will come. But I do hope that I will continue to keep myself away from those obnoxius things.

Had a chat with my aunt last night. I was a revealing conversation. I learned a lot of things that I need to do, including things that I don't want to do but now I have to do. I told myself, why should I do it? Outside, I choose to take it as a joke.. 'me? me? haha.. ' but deep inside, I feel that it was one thing that will change my life in this next months. I even have given my birthday as a deadline. It was tough. I have questions like where do I begin, what should I do first, how should I do it. It was crazy. The questions are all dangling in my mind. Without answers though technically there are. It was all in my mind last night. I had a few hours of sleep and a big eye bug. But I believe, God is making a way for me to really show everyone how changed I am now. I believe I'm strong. and it was not because of my own strength but with the 'God' I have now. I want to continue to let myself believe the faith.. something exciting and good will happen in the future. Whether good or bad will happen in the future, I will not regret it because I will be proud to say that at least I did something to mend that crack.

Kamisama, mou sukoshi dake.. (God, give me more time)